whaaa? fuck. Huuh?

I really wish that when you made any sort of permanent action on the "internet", it took a picture of you while you were at it and posted it right along with the result of your action. So like, if i did something while i was, say, wasted, there would be this picture of me (or maybe video, i mean, the sky's the limit, right?) slumped over the keyboard trying to find the goddamned "x" key. i think my actions are taken out of context far too often because i get to choose the picture of me that accompanies them. that's all i'm saying.

eulogy part 2

The cold wind in my face on Park Street reminds me its getting cold again, reminds me that i never did go see that stone they carved your name into, old son. And by the way, i don't even know where to find that stone if i intended to. i guess its closing on two years since you dug that hole so i guess it doesnt look like i'm looking. there's been a lot going on, you know, not to make excuses...i'd rather not know who's under the stones when i'm sitting on them. seems a little too familiar i guess. i imagine it'll get easier as i settle in. i guess i learned a lot about things in these in between years but it's still the same in betweens that confuse me. subtlety and brutality, elegance and strength. efficiency and style. you're supposed to focus, and i guess i am, but it's taking time that i'm not sure i have. while we're talking, it reminded me of all i hate about death when you went. all these people sitting around crying at the tragedy of the whole mess... the real tragedy is that we're all gonna die but not all of us are gonna have a few days to sit and think it over. maybe thats what they were all crying over. how should i know. i didnt ask. it must have been hard to finally give up all together on making everyone else happy. i mean that's most of why we're in this puppet show isnt it? looks like i'm not too good at all that either. i cant quit thinking about my time and my space. every time i'm cold i still think about how cold you must have been. that wind in your eyes as you walked out there. how many of those notes did you write and tear up before you made it stick? knowing you, not many. jesus i still shiver at that cool. and when you climbed in, did the water run down your back or was it frozen solid? wouldn't you want to be comfortable there at the end or would that slow your mind? god knows it slows our minds. you never gave up trying to please other people, you just gave up living for them. are you really gonna stick around every winter? i don't mind. i could use more honest company. i hope you brought a good coat. it's gonna get cold again. you can feel it coming already. i know it isnt right to address you this way but i'm a little drunk and its late.

Indianoplace

I've been hating Indianapolis for about ten years now. It's where my parents moved just as i quit college. After they left, i tried to stay in california, where i grew up, but i quickly found that i couldnt make it there. This had more to do with me being 19 and irresponsible than anything else, though i blamed everything from el nino to earthquake trauma for my failure at the time. I ended up moving back home to be with my parents while i got my shit together. It was during this stay that i developed in intense loathing for the midwest, Indianapolis specifically. I had trouble with the cold ass winters. I mean those stretches where it doesnt get above 0 degrees for like a week at a time...fuck that shit. There was something else about it that i couldnt really put a finger on. i mean, there was something so artificial about the suburban landscape surrounding the city...like, everything looked pretty good, but good in that way that those sugar cookies with the thick pastel icing on them look good. Like its supposed to look good, and you know if you actually tried to eat that sugary shit it would make you want to be ill. There was this thin veneer of new construction everywhere. Shit that was really poorly made so you knew that in like ten years, they'd be moving on to another ex-cornfield and building another cookie cutter house beehive. Like fucking locusts they are. Now, i didn't know too much back then but i knew enough to know that that shit was no good for anything and that as much as i hated the endless fucking cornfields, that had to be better than endless houses, stripmalls, freeways, you know. I fell into eating dinner every night with my parents. They seemed to think the best food one could ever eat was served at Chili's followed closely by TGIfridays. We ate at these places at least twice a week if not more. In the course of the year or a little more that i lived there, i made not one friend. I had jobs and coworkers and all that but i never made a friend. This sounds terrible but it was great because it allowed me to hone my skills and start a career as a professional photographer. Well actually that turned out to pretty much suck to so, yeah, it basically plunged me into a sea of hopelessness. I used to sneak bottles of scotch to my room and get wasted in the middle of the night (my parents are real religious so this was a big deal). My life was hell. It was all Indiana's fault. So, after surveying my options, i moved to Charlottesville. My life became better instantly. I've taken friends of mine who are curious to see if this place is as bad as i make it out to be home with me at vacation sometimes. Their reactions range from "that could have been worse" to "wow. shit. this place is the worst thing in the universe. but your mom was pretty nice". I'm sure there is no god because the only thing i've asked for from his ass in my life was for my parents to move away from indiana. it's not like it impacts me much, but everytime i get ready to go home for the holidays or whatever and people ask where i'm going, i have to say "indiana". and it pisses me off.

Until today. I just found out that my dad is quitting his job with United and moving to the FAA which will relocate him to Memphis Tenn., Home of Beale St., Sun records and Graceland. Now, I'm not stupid enough to think that Memphis is the greatest place in the world, but at least its known for something more than a stupid ass car race that isnt even good anymore. Good riddance Indianapolis! If i ever see your shit infested suburbs again it will be too soon. come nuclear bomb! rain hellfire upon the shit we've created! destroy all those cops who used to hassle me when i was out taking photographs of train engines at night. hasten the decay of the suburban sprawl!

There is a bit of sadness i must admit. i'll miss visiting the house where i watched my little sister proclaim that she was buddhist, wiccan, pentecostal and finally catholic (she's into the iconography), because none of the kids at school liked her. Behind this house is the spot where i ran the fastest 3 miles of my life(training in charlottesville makes you pretty fast on the flat ass cornfields of indiana). it is the city that first made me think of Urban Planning as something i could be passionate about. it is the culture that made me distrust capitalism, which, as bad as it may sound, has become one of my favorite qualities about myself. Won't i miss all of this?

Nah, Fuck it. Burn it.

I'm not so sure "Doctor" Octogon is really a doctor at all...

I've been going to see music like every night for a while now. I've been on such a tear, and with such success that i was starting to think that i just might have lost my taste altogether. I mean, every show i have been to in a while has been pure gold. I can't remember the last time that i left a show feeling like it was anything but awesome...until last night.

I went to see Dr. Oc. at the Satellite. Now I'm usually not really into a hip hop band enough to go see them (I think the only hip hop show I've been to was the Roots...twice) but since my friends the Whoppaz (sic)(I don't know Q) were playing, i decided to go. Shit cost me 18 bucks. I missed the Whoppaz who were forced to start quite early to make time for like an hour and a half of DJs spinning records I mostly disliked. Then Keith took the stage. He did a lot of freestyling which is pretty impressive if done well, but really, he pretty much sucked. I feel like i could have done better, if only because mike rhymes with a lot of things, unlike keith, or octogon, or octogonocologist for that matter. Then came the part of the show where he passed out underwear to the women near the stage and had them come up and put them on over their clothes and dance while he sang about where he wanted to touch them etc. At this point the two men next to me started beating the shit out of each other. I mean really pounding away. After far too long, they were broken up. Keith continues singing about fucking women and also about his balls for a while. I tried to see it as sort of amusing but i failed. I started to feel real alienated and confused. I started to wonder all sorts of things about sexuality and what it's supposed to mean to be a man. i wondered at the fact that this man was being payed a bunch of money to say things way less important and interesting than the average things my friends say on any given day, backed by music worse than that which my friends make, except not played live even, but on records. Eventually i started to feel disgusted in myself for having sexual interest in women and for paying money to see dr. octogon. I stood around outside trying to feel better but didn't. I went home and felt sort of lost inside my own head. Pretty much the highlight of the evening was going outside to see an eclipse with (di)jon, jordan, lisa, nate and chelsea, that didnt even exist. Other than that i was trying not to look or feel like a weirdo all night. i would feel shitty still except that i did some yard work today after work which brought me back to the earth a little if you will.

usually i try to make some sort of point but i dont think i'm going to this time. fuck it. i'm too tired to think about all the angles involved in kool keith making me feel bad about sexuality. And besides, where the hell is my sense of humor...tomorrow morning i'll go to the farmers market and get some awesome tomatoes and other stuff. then i'll go spend all day managing the transit for a stupid-ass football game. then i'll come home to a party that will likely have started without me. that should be pretty good. i like most of the people i know pretty well.