school...jesus.

I have a lot of friends who are or are trying to become teachers (not the least of which is my housemate Farrell). All these motherfuckers are crazy. Teaching must be the worst job on earth. My opinion on this is backed up by data gathered in the field as follows:

I used to teach outdoor science to sixth graders in Santa Cruz California. Now, I'm not about to try to make the case that this should be considered legitimate teaching. To the contrary, that shit was about as Mickey Mouse as it comes. All i had to do was take kids into the woods and show them awesome shit like redwood trees and banana slugs and Pacific Giant Salamanders. We talked about ecology and sustainability and hiked around for a few hours and then i handed the kids off to some other teachers who took them to meals and watched them sleep. I worked 3-4 days a week and surfed or tried to court this girl who worked at the bookshop (QUITE unsuccessfully) the rest of the time. I know you think this sounds like the best thing ever (except for the making an ass out of myself), but it was not. It was the worst time of my life, in fact. Why? Because children in groups larger than two are bad people. These children say the meanest things they can think of. They destroy all they touch. They persecute like little hitlers. This is what children are: little fascist fuckheads. Now, they aren't all this way. If they were it wouldn't be so bad because they could just destroy each other and it would even out. The problem is that about half the kids are very sweet and kind and are interested in holding a pacific giant salamander. These kids are the jews, fodder for the fascist machine. I can't tell you how many days off were ruined by my fury, how many tacos made bland by blind rage. I quit that job within months (it should be noted that another factor in causing me to quit was the fact that we had to sing songs (look for the one called "shooting star") to the kids which i pretty much refused to do because there was this line about how much we were gonna miss the kids which was a fucking lie since i didnt miss those assheads a bit, especially once i was at the taco store. i dont like lying to children)(really, just picture me singing this shit).

Also, so you say that not everyone teaches sixth grade. some people teach, like, high school or college where the kids are way more tolerable. You are wrong. College is a little less stupid maybe, but the fact that these people are supposed to be intelligent makes their stupidity intolerable. I find myself in a 100 level Architecture class for reasons that i'd rather not get into (because they involve a lot of negative attributes that i certainly possess but won't get into because i'm not here to tell you how bad I suck.). Yesterday i went to the first section for this class (now you have to understand that my even being in this class is a little embarassing, thus infuriating, because my peers all graduated back when Al Gore was still busy inventing the internet) and the TA was telling us things about how to study, do the readings BEFORE lecture, take notes, you know. I was amazed by how engaged and happy she seemed to be teaching us. Then this girl raised her hand and asked if it would be ok (wait for it...) for her to use highlighter to highlight passages in the text. You know, the text she had bought. At the bookstore. Though i could barely see through the smoke created by my blown mind, i'm pretty sure the TA made a face of complete and total confusion. I don't mean like the face you make when you don't know the answer. I mean the kind of face you would make if you were just walking down the street and suddenly the sky turned purple, the buildings turned to popsicles and the sidewarks transformed into laffy taffy. She was totally mind-fucked. The prblem with teaching though is that she had to recover, smile and say some shit like "yeah that would be fine" or whatever. She wasn't even sarcastic. I don't know how any human could be in that position and not say something sarcastic. Jesus! There are so many kids who don't get to go to college because they don't have any money or they don't know they can do it because no one ever encourages them or whatever and then there are people who have to ask permission to highlight books they own as a study method.

Yeah, i know, its not that that students are not worthy of my teaching, its that i'm too big of a shithead to teach.