with friends like you, who needs enemies

So lately I've really started to view the cultural divide in this country as a war. This means that more and more i view people with right wing ideals to be the enemy. Not just like "that guys a dumbass" but more "that guy is killing my unlikely to ever exist children" This also means that people who say they are on "my side" but who turn out to be either stupid to the point of being unhelpful or who, worse still, display their lack of discipline as if it were a badge of honor, are traitors to me. Here are two examples i ran across recently.
#1: "Too damned stupid"
I was reading some newspaper or something (no i CAN'T be bothered to quote the source or hyperlink it) and there was this article about organic food and how it is rapidly replacing conventionally grown food on the grocer's shelves. Now, you should know that the fact that this is true is possibly the only one that has given me reason for hope for our culture in the last few years. So the article is written from the point of view of this supposedly environmentalist fellow who was also happy about this fact until a friend of his informed him that he was actually hurting the earth by buying organic because most organic foods have to be brought all the way from places like California, since that's where most organic foods are produced, instead of being moved only a small distance from local conventional farms (our noble author lives in New Jersey)(of course). Thus, as the argument goes, the emissions form the trucks coming all the way across the country are great enough to outweigh the reduction in pollutants achieved by the change from conventional to organic farming. And, like, it's almost enough to make you throw up your hands and go eat a fucking big mac to calm your nerves unless, you know, you have a brain and consider the quite fucking obvious fact that if they're paying all that money to move the shit all the way across the fucking country, that must mean that they're making money off doing it (this is still a fucking capitalist country, right?). And if they are both making money off doing it and are driving down the demand for local, conventionally grown food, DON'T YOU THINK THAT JUST MAYBE THE LOCAL CONVENTIONAL FARMER THAT IS SUFFERING FOR THIS FACT MIGHT GET THE NOTION TO GET IN ON THE ACTION AND START MAKING HIS/HER OWN ORGANIC FOOD TO COMPETE WITH THE CALIFORNIA FARMERS WHO HAVE TO SHIP THE SHIT ACROSS THE COUNTRY? (i really am fighting the urge to switch to a bigger font to express my fury but maybe you can just imagine me fuming and that will suffice) AND DON'T YOU THINK THIS MIGHT, ON A LONG ENOUGH TIMELINE REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF PESTICIDES IN OUR (local, mind you) SOIL AND WATER AND REDUCE OVERALL EMISSIONS (it takes fuel to move pesticide around too dickhole)?!? BAH!!! Who's side are you ON you dimwitted shit artist!?! (I'll come back to this)
#2 "the Dilettante"
I'm gonna preface this by saying that I don't hate all my friends who do not ride bikes all over the place. Sometimes I don't either. I carry lumber in a car. It was a hundred degrees today. Anyone riding a bike today was stupid (i did it but i'm stupid). We have to choose our battles and this one happens to be mine.
So I'm reading this story online (it came up on my hotmail while i was opening my account and piqued my interest by saying something about switching to bicycle commuting. I thought it was gonna be great) and the author is a regular contributor to Outside Magazine. Now, I shouldn't be surprised by this since Outside is pretty much a magazine for dilettantes (the ranks of whom sometimes include me) but here goes. The guy talks about how all the environmental/ health benefits of riding bikes to work finally convinced him that it was a good idea and since he was a cyclist already, he figured "no problem". So the article meanders through him buying all manner of expensive dogshit and unnecessary accoutrements for his new life adventure. Then he starts talking about how when he got started at it, he was confronted with how hard it is to ride a bike to work with all the hills and heat and whatnot (the motherfucker was a cyclist to begin with. didn't he know that it's harder than driving?). He talks about how he's scared of the cars doing dangerous shit. He talks about how hard it is to carry beer in his bag (Millington, Bridge, AJ or whoever can speak for the fact that you can fit enough beer to kill you and your three best friends in a messenger bag, especially when there are race points on the line). Here's the worst part though. He seems ok with all these factors but what broke his resolve was the fact that when he went in stores or bars or whatever people looked down on him because he had his pants rolled up and a helmet and some sweat on him. His friends were looking at him differently. Like he was a freak! Dear Jesus!.... ......We're fighting a fucking war here and this dick is giving up because he got dirt on his fucking uniform. Now i want to reiterate that i don't hate everyone who doesnt walk or ride or whatever. i do know that there are days when you just dont want to ride a bike. i am not perfect at this either. but here's the thing: i may not always succeed but i'm not gonna let that cause me to give up all together. and i'm sure as FUCK not gonna TAKE MONEY FROM SOMEONE TO PRINT THE STORY TELLING EVERYONE EITHER a)that biking to protect the earth is TOO HARD TO BE FEASABLE, so hey everyone, IF I CAN'T DO IT, THEN GOD KNOWS NO ONE ELSE CAN EITHER. AFTER ALL I DO WRITE FOR OUTSIDE fucking MAGAZINE!, OR THAT b) I AM TOO BIG OF A FUCKING BABY TO PUT UP WITH PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY BECAUSE MY PANTS ARE ROLLED UP OR BECAUSE OCCASIONALLY I SMELL LIKE I FUCKING DID SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN MY WORTHLESS-ASS LIFE. JESUS!
Now, before people start sending me shit telling me how they just figured out that this shit is probably written, not by stupid left wing environmentalists, but by conservative shit heads, save it (not that anyone who reads my shit responds anyway). if anyone's thinking i haven't come up with at least a hundred conspiracy theories to account for this, you're dreaming. So the moral of the story is to hell with naysaying right-wing shitheads and double to hell with sorry ass no good fake environmentalist left wing dilettantes. no i'm not perfect. no, i'm not doing everything i can. but that doesnt mean i should give up and it certainly doesnt mean i should expect payment or the adulation of my peers for my failure. here'e what i'm gonna do about all this: I'm gonna lie. I'm gonna lie about this shit the same way they do and i'm gonna exaggerate in the opposite direction to compensate for this shit. it starts now. next time you see me with my pants rolled up you can look down at me all you want. i find cycling so easy, fun and comfortable that i can't imagine driving a car (even when it is 100 degrees outside). You should join me. it will never be a bit of inconvenience of discomfort. honest injun. if you see me climbing some steep ass hill in the hundred degree heat tomorrow and i'm grimacing, it isn't because it is uncomfortable. i'm just doing that so that it LOOKS uncomfortable so that not just everyone starts biking (i'm telling you about this only because we're obviously close friends if you're reading this on my MYSPACE page). i would rather share the road with cars than bikes (because of the drafting opportunities, duh) and besides, if everyone was in the market for bikes and bike parts it would raise demand and thus the price i would have to pay for them (duh again). so keep on driving. suckers.